The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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