you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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