I'm drive I can fine osifer
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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