I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
