Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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