you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
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