It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
