Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
