He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
