I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
