you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
