It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize