My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
