I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
