It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
