the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
