I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
