things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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