She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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