Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
We got so high we made milksteak
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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