just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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