Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I have fence marks all over my body
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize