You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
