i may or may not be watching the land before time
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
