You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
