She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
