if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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