Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
