Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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