i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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