i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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