is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
