paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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