I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
