We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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