I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
A+ Viking dick
I'm really busy with my period
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