"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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