They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
