I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
