once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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