wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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