I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
