She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
