when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
