It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I wish I could punch you in the face.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
