You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
