The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
She said her name was "party"
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
