im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
