Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
