I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
