Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
