omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
