I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
