Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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