I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
