Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
