If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Randomize
