I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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