I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
