you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
